Musings in the time of COVID

Originally penned in August 2020... It is a 150 days since the start of the COVID lockdown, at least for us in the US. This has been a surreal time... As the world changes with every hour; and every new discovery and every new revelation pushes one to ponder if we are not peering into an abyss - is this how civilization as we know it ends? Questions swirl about in my mind each night as lay my head on my pillow. What will the aftermath of this catastrophe look like? Will we live in some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland? Will we live in insular islands, suspicious of our neighbours, and questioning every outreach? Will we be more appreciative of human interaction and the freedom so many of us are blessed with? Have we seen the worst of it pass, or are we on the edge of an event horizon drifting into an abyss? Is this plague waiting to swallow the world in a cloud of death and economic catastrophe? I have more mundane concerns too – what will the next wellness appointment with the family doctor look like; will the grocery aisles be well stocked; how will I get my car to servicing; will we have real school (as opposed to virtual) when terms start in fall; will the children have a full slate of activities; and when will I be able to travel home… Regardless of what the future holds, and how long it may take, I need to believe we will recover, and rebuild our lives, and re-plan and resume progress. We’ve had plagues and pestilence before. However, humankind has always triumphed over adversity. For me, the past four months have been a surprising discovery of self. Initially, it was a hectic scramble as we tried to cope with providing our clients with actionable insights into how to deal with the pandemic (I work for a consulting company). At home too, it was adjusting to the new normal of working amidst the everyday ordinary of home life and the many interruptions it wrought. At the end of the first month, wrapped up in our isolation, I went through what I’d term phases of grief and fear, like mourning... My projects and plans were comatose, if not dead. With decline in revenue streams my future was in jeopardy (...it still might be). I worried for my family and the world, and I was gripped by a morbid fear of the unknown. I continued to work feverishly... often into early mornings, partly to prove value to my company and my clients; but partly to keep these dark thoughts out of my mind. It took a few months, but gradually a calm has been settling over me… Or perhaps, I have just defaulted to my Indian fatalism. Or perhaps I just settling… physically and that has slowed everything down! I am starting to grow two chins where barely one was possible in the past; and my shirt front swells like the spinnaker of a sailing yacht. My trembling bathroom scale tips me at 190lbs, that’s roughly 86 kilos (and possibly more than what my parents collectively weigh)! And that’s reason enough for me to consider stepping back, taking a deep breath, questioning all that anxiety eating and count my blessings. TMI?! I seriously think of all the daily wage earners who would have no income to feed their families, no security of retirement funds and investments to tide them over, and the uncertainty of even meeting the basic requirements of life. I think of the healthcare workers, risking their lives and those of their loved ones, to fight this pandemic and the security personnel working to maintain law and order. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life and all I was blessed with. Firstly, my family and that I wouldn’t starve, and we had a home, and we were healthy. Now that this sense of security is sinking in, I think I should start to plan a routine around being healthy in my mind and body and being the best version of me, so that I could give my best in this situation. Five months on, I think I should begin waking up early, and spending some time reflecting on all that’s right and calming my mind… like I used to when I first came to this country... before I took on the responsibilities of a family. It used to give me a sense of purpose and calm to face the day and focus my mind on the future bright; one of security and good health and one of hope. Working from home is the new norm now and I begin my day reading work emails and tackling my daily calls starting with my analytics team overseas. There are so many calls these days – things that used to be a five-minute conversation by the watercooler at the office, is now a scheduled 30-minute slog on the phone or over the Internet. And it continues throughout the day. My regular work – risk analysis – needs a couple of hours of uninterrupted attention, but it has to wait till the end of the day to start. This continues to be a struggle, and I am sure this is a result of not really knowing what to do and how to do it; and times I feel lost. This place (in time) we are at is totally new - I am often not sure what the right decisions are and how to meet the current challenge. I feel responsible for the lives of my 30-odd reports and am not sure I am charting the right course. I reflect on what one of my managers at a previous job once told me - “Anyone can be a manager, when everything is going well. The test of leadership is when things are not.” The one thing this crisis has made me realize is how important family is. It is more than just something pithy I’d say in the past to affirm a truism. Weighed against career and ambition, family often took third spot in the past. In recent weeks, I think I have developed a more nuanced understanding of it. Since this thing began in March, I have almost daily chats with my parents; we talk about all manner of things - important and inane, nurturing the preciousness of normality and the commonplace. We discuss current issues and politics, we banter about food and gossip about neighbors. Thw wife, kids and I are spending more time together too. Most weekdays we go out for walks in the evening; on the weekend we play cards, read and watch movies and TV shows together. We are planning future trips and sketching out travel itineraries... albeit imaginary still. Things that were rare before we were forced into this lockdown have now become the everyday. But it is not lost on us that in the world outside we are in a war. As a collective we are fighting for the survival of life as we knew it. We are fighting for the continuity of our businesses and our lifestyles and our normality. But in all this, it is important for us to not forget to live. We will come out of this. We just need to make sure that each one of us, in our own little way, come out of it just a little better. I am reminded of a poem I learned in secondary school – can’t remember now if it was 6th or 7th grade, but it was ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley. “…Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”

An update

We are not sure if Subabe Ver 2.0 likes car rides like her big brother. M (no longer MTB) says Subabe Ver 2.0 goes pat-pat-pat-pat when we speed up to merge onto the expressway. Maybe the girl loves the speed. In any event, she is a night baby by all accounts, waking up just as her mother is turning in. That should make a nice combination - V starting to wear us down right from the break of dawn, to her picking up just as we are about to go to bed.

It has been almost a month since we moved houses. But we are nowhere near being settled. After two weeks of frantic searching we finally found the steam iron last night. The music system has been put together, but I can't find a single CD. We have Internet, but connectivity is patchy - I have yet to get around to setting up the home network. We have yet to assemble all the different bits and bobs that go into making up our home. The kitchen is almost all there, as is the living room for the most, but the study looks like a tornado just touched down. The garage is still unfit for the car, we have to empty out the book boxes and stack the bins in the corner before we can move in the car. But, at least I can go to the loo in peace.

We do have to get everything squared away fast. November will be here before you know it and then it will be a wild scramble again. Btween now and then, there is the start of the term, meetings, review board, meetings and more meetings. Then there are doctors’ appointments, lab visits... must make time.

M (no longer MTB) is heavier sooner this time around. She also seems more tired than before. Of course it could also be that V is just really wearing her down during the evening.

Subabe Version 2.0

S thinks subabe Ver 2.0 is getting the Windows Vista reception. It is 5 months into hatching season and there is nary a blog in site. We haven’t shopped or even stopped to have long conversations about her (wishful thinking there). But then, we haven’t had the time to dwell on these things, like we did the last time. Out of town travel and work does have a way of crimping your lifestyle... as does a three-year old (almost).

S and I were up later on Thursday talking about this, that and the other, when Subabe stirred. This is a night baby, S said. It was said as a matter of fact, requiring no comment. I thought about it. By this time the last time around, Shubhada was wearing maternity wear and we had belly pictures to boot. We fussed and fretted about how we looked, what we wore and what we ate. The tummy was contemplated at length. This summer however the feature is blah! Clearly the impending peril of dissertation and defense, not to mention annual reviews and an imminent move to far shores of the Delaware, have re-ordered how we have react.

So it was very consciously that we decided to snap some pictures and put our fingertips to keyboard this weekend. Let’s get into this thing in earnest...

Taking pictures with a toddler in tow is a challenge in itself. Chami resisted standing steady for a photo and ran off after all manner of fauna in the arboretum. There were incessant questions about why the bunnies would not wait for him, why the ants were carrying the bugs into their anthills, why the doors to the buildings wouldn’t open, why we couldn’t go into the barn, why the fountains weren’t squirting water or why he shouldn’t take of his shoes to have a splash in them anyway.

In the end it was less about Subabe and just about keeping it all together till lunch time. Still, it was a fun amble around the gardens on a long weekend morning.

He is here!

V was born on August 22, 2005 at 7.08pm. He is a big baby for his mother’s tiny frame, but he has a charming disposition and a full head of hair. More as we get the time to sit down.

Ammamma Arrives!

Phew! And none to soon. For a while there MTB was convinced that Subabe would beat Ammamma to the finish line. She – Ammamma, that is, had a pleasant flight from India. Air India’s Maharaj served decent vegetarian fare and flew her into the U.S. with nary a delay. DiT picked her up at Newark Airport and within the hour she was fussing over her daughter. Her luggage was mostly filled with stuff for Subabe… quilts, dresses, covers… Among all the stuff in the two heavily laden suitcases, she probably had two or three pieces of her own clothing. There were a few things from Achamma and Achuchan too - a tottel-spring, a few score kutty-kupayyams, some red konakams, and a nice pattu mundu.

Over the last few days MTB has slowed down a great deal. The weight on her back is clearly showing on her face. Her feet are swollen and red and even sleeping in one position for any length of time is difficult. The consensus view in the household is that now that Ammamma has arrived Subabe should not linger back in the tummy much longer. So could you please hurry up and arrive.

A & D's Seemandam

A & D’s Seemandam was a quite and dignified affair. Alright, the Seemandam was for A. Of course, MTB and DiT arrived fashionably late, as they seem to most times these days. A looked radiant (and as comfortable was her impending big day seemed to allow). D was all over the place, directing friends and family to refreshments. MTB and DiT were not entirely sure they would make it to the event, but since MTB felt fine that morning, they decided to go. It was held in the hall of the Bharatiya Temple in Montgomeryville and it was a nice opportunity to call on all the deities. MTB wore her own Seemandam saree for the occasion… Of course, none of the others seemed to fit anyway. It was a nice opportunity to catch up with everyone and score some prizes at the games, now de rigueur at such events. MTB and DiT chatted through lunch and well into tea-time. MTB was feeling quite well enough that they decided to go watch a movie that afternoon. It was a pleasant enough flick, but nothing memorable. After the movie the waddle and the squash drove up to KoP to see M-mama and N-Mami visiting from India. By the end of the evening MTB’s legs looked like blimps and DiT was none too pleased about it. They quarreled on the drive back about spending too many hours outdoors on a hot day, but is anyone listening?

36 weeks

Unflappable is the word that would best describe Ginnie and Button as they floated lazily in their pond. Well, more suspended than floated, but anyway you look at it they were the most comfortable set of girls in the joint. Occasionally Button pushed off the bottom of the pond to the surface to draw in a breath of air, but Ginnie just floated dreamily in the cloudy water as fishes nibbled at her behind. As Button pushed off to the surface yet again, I could almost hear the theme music from 2001: A Space Odyssey. It was nice, but braving the hot sun and 40 minutes of driving for this? But for activity-crazed parents and their sugar-high kids, no one in their right mind would have ventured out of doors on a ‘hot-asphalt-melting-pavement sizzling’ day as this July weekday… And, yes of course, us – the MTB and DiT. It really was not my idea, but the missus woke up that morning and decided we had to go see the hippos! In case you haven’t guessed it already Ginnie and Button are the resident hippos at the Adventure Aquarium in Camden, NJ, across the river from Philadelphia.

Not that I minded it, once I got inside the cool confines of the aquarium, but it was hell walking across that parking lot. We ponyed up 45 bucks, caught a 4D show… Something about a deep-sea dive that involved a lot of rocking and bucking in the chair, the whooshing of cold air from vents in the seat and the occasional squirt of water from strategically placed nozzles. And yes, all this while watching the 3D feature through Urkle-like glasses. MTB, never one for rides, took the motion-free chair on advisement from the staff. After a 15-minute show we shuffled out of the theater to try and catch the exhibits. But, there were far too many children – making funny faces at the octopi, getting their smudgy paws all over the piranha tank and upsetting the sensitive starfish. I am sure I’d have enjoyed it all a bit more without those hyper-excited kids, but I guess I have my comeuppance coming, right?

The aquarium has lots of cool critters – I like the colorful fishes, the jellyfishes, the octopi and of course the sharks. I watched in wonder as Jaws eerily floated above me, as we walked though a glass tunnel, their conveyer-belt-set of teeth wickedly bristling. But the stars for me were the two hippos. But, by the time we walked our way to them, MTB’s feet had swollen to quite the same proportions as the girls’ in the tank. So we sat down and watched them for a while. It was ‘deja vu all over again…’

34 weeks

This is the July 4th weekend. As weekends go this has been very different from all previous 4th July weekends. This has been ‘the-getting-ready-for-the-baby’ long weekend with us making trips to IKEA for the crib and the chest of drawers. By the time this weekend is through, I think, we will be set with most baby essentials including an installed car seat, clothing, diapers and other immediate requirements. By next week on we will be on our bi-weekly visits with the OBGYN and we will be done with our Lamaze classes. So, looks like our count down has well and truly begun, what with the DIT dreaming about how the baby looks and discussing it with the MTB. This is definitely something new and exciting and we look forward to it.